One of the most annoying or painful feelings for me, is not losing someone close to me *I seem to actually be lacking in the right hormones needed to actually mourn and throw fits*. The one thing I cannot deal with, is disappointment. That feeling of knowing that I let someone down is akin to “Drinking molten lead” *at least in my mind*. But worse than this; *am sure you’re already asking, what could be worse than this?* Well, letting myself down.
There’s nothing as frustrating as setting a task for yourself and not just falling short but flunking completely (failing so bad you bring a new definition to the word “Fail”). That was what happened last Tuesday during rehearsal, I was given a song two weeks ago. I rehearsed for two weeks and when it was time to deliver I flunked; *don’t get me wrong, I knew the song* I started singing and someone pointed out a mistake, I tried singing again and my voice gave way. For 1hr I couldn’t find my voice. I was humiliated, felt like the ground should just open up like in the days of Moses and swallow me up. As usual tho’ the ground turned it’s back on me.
You have no idea how annoying it is when everyone starts preaching to you about stage-fright but even more annoying was the anger that was welling up inside of me. Anger not at the people trying to motivate the song out of me *albeit going through the wrong means* but anger at myself, for first of all, for letting myself down, then for the people I inconvenienced while I was trying to learn the song, flatmates who had no choice but to complain after hearing the same song over 100 times. I hung my head and left.
I got to my room, still in a state of Discombobulation (yes, it’s an actual word #LookItUp). Not knowing what to do anymore, already beginning to doubt myself, I did what I usually did when I was confused, I asked God for advice. He asked me 1 simple Question, WHO was I singing for and WHY? After thinking and meditating, it dawned on me that the major reason, I was actually singing was because I sought approval from my peers and superiors (part of me was
showing off sha…). So when I made a mistake, I began to doubt myself, began to think that I didn’t have what it took to do the work of God. Jeremiah 1:5b says before I was born I was set apart. For what purpose? To worship Him. I got to understand that the only approval I required in this world was His and I was born “A Complete Package”. Everything I’d ever need to carry out my purpose, has been deposited inside of me even before I was born. All I have to do is MANIFEST!!!